Grieving the Relationship You Wanted: Healing from Family Hurt

We’re told that family is everything. That no matter what, we should forgive, stay close, and make it work. But what about when it’s family that causes the most pain? What if the relationship you longed for, one filled with safety, acceptance, or unconditional love – doesn’t feel like it ever existed? 

Many people come to therapy carrying a quiet kind of grief. Not because they lost a loved one in the traditional sense, but because they never received the love they needed. Maybe a parent was emotionally unavailable. Maybe a caregiver was harsh, unpredictable, or never truly saw you. Or maybe the family dynamic made you feel like if you wanted to belong, you had to shrink yourself. 

This type of grief is complicated. There often isn’t a clear moment to point to, it’s not just one thing that happened. It’s a lifetime of subtle (or not-so-subtle) disappointments. And unlike a death, this grief can go unrecognized by others. You may even question if it’s okay to feel it at all, or guilt yourself into believing, “it’s not that bad”. “Other people had it worse”. 

If this sounds like you, I want you to know it’s okay to grieve the relationship you wish you had. You’re not being dramatic. And you’re not holding a grudge. You’re holding space for the parts of yourself that are angry, disappointed, and hurt and giving yourself grace to show up exactly as you are. 

In therapy, we can gently untangle this grief. You’re allowed to hold conflicting feelings, and you don’t have to choose a side. Part of the healing process is learning how to hold both without feeling guilty or caught in the middle. 

Letting go of the wish that they were different doesn’t necessarily mean cutting ties or giving up on people. It means loosening your grip on who you needed someone to be to fit in, so that you can take care of who you are now. It might mean setting boundaries or choosing distance. It might also mean reaching a place of peace and acceptance for the relationship you have with them, while taking care of the relationship you have with yourself. 

If you're carrying this kind of invisible grief, you’re not alone. Therapy can be a place to sit with the heartbreak, make sense of the confusion, and start building a life that doesn’t depend on someone else changing.

You deserve relationships that feel safe. You deserve to be seen, not just for who you’ve had to be, but for who you truly are.

If this resonates with you, Mia is currently accepting new clients.

You can book a session with her here. It’s never too late to begin healing.