The Art of Ignoring Red Flags (Because You Really Wanted It to Work)

Let’s talk about red flags. But not in the way the internet talks about them. Because if I’m honest, I don’t think most people are out here completely missing red flags.

I think we’re actually really good at seeing them. We just become even better at explaining them away. And that’s a very different conversation.

It usually doesn’t look like, “I didn’t notice anything.”It looks more like, “I noticed it… but it didn’t feel big enough to walk away from.” Or maybe it felt big, but so did everything else.

The connection.The chemistry.The feeling of finally meeting someone you wanted to keep getting to know. And so instead of stopping, you soften it. You give it context.

You tell yourself, “They’ve just been hurt before,” or “They’re probably just stressed,” or “Maybe I’m overthinking it.”

And slowly, something that felt like a signal turns into something you learn to live with.

Not because you don’t have standards, but because something else is louder in that moment. Sometimes it’s loneliness. Not in a dramatic way, but in that quieter, more honest way where you’re just… tired of starting over.

Tired of first dates. Tired of telling your story again. Tired of almosts.

So when something does feel like it has potential, it makes sense that you’d want to give it more room. Sometimes it’s chemistry.

And this one is tricky, because chemistry can feel incredibly convincing. It pulls you in.It creates intensity. It makes everything feel charged and meaningful. But chemistry doesn’t always mean compatibility. And it definitely doesn’t mean consistency.

I think this is where people get caught. Because when something feels strong, we assume it must be right. But strong and stable are not the same thing.

And if you’ve ever found yourself saying, “But when it’s good, it’s really good,” there’s usually something else happening in the background.

There’s a high… and then there’s a low.

And the high keeps you questioning whether the low is actually that bad. That’s not balance.That’s a cycle. And cycles can be hard to leave - not because you don’t see them, but because part of you is still hoping they’ll change.

Hope is powerful like that. It keeps people invested in what could be, even when what is keeps repeating itself. And if we go a little deeper, sometimes it’s not just about the relationship - it’s about what feels familiar. If inconsistency has been part of your emotional world for a long time, it doesn’t always register as a red flag. It can feel normal.Predictable, even. And on the flip side, something calm and steady might not feel exciting right away. Not because it’s lacking, but because it’s unfamiliar.

We don’t just choose people.We choose patterns we recognize. Even when they don’t actually feel good. And this is usually the part where people start to be hard on themselves.

“I should have known.”“I saw it early.”“Why did I stay?”

But I don’t think the most helpful question is, “Why didn’t I leave?”

I think the more honest question is, “What was I needing in that moment that made this feel okay to stay in?”

Because that answer will tell you a lot more than the red flag itself ever could. And I want to say something that I think matters here.

Not every red flag means someone is a bad person. Sometimes it just means they’re not available. Or not ready. Or not able to meet you where you are. And that’s a very different kind of disappointment. Because it’s not about them being “wrong” - it’s about them not being right for you. And letting go of that can be hard, especially when there were moments that felt real. Because there usually are.

That’s what makes it complicated. You’re not just letting go of what didn’t work - you’re also letting go of what almost did. That’s its own kind of loss.

But at some point, it becomes less about the red flags… and more about what it costs you to keep explaining them away.

Your energy.Your clarity.Your sense of self. And real love - healthy love - shouldn’t require that level of negotiation with yourself just to stay.

It doesn’t mean everything is perfect. But it does mean you don’t have to constantly convince yourself that something feels okay when it doesn’t. And sometimes, the shift isn’t about becoming better at spotting red flags.

It’s about becoming more honest with yourself when you do.

***

If this resonates, I go deeper into this in my episode of In Session with Clarinda:

🎙️ The Red Flags We Ignore Because We Want Love

I talk about loneliness, chemistry, hope, and the emotional patterns that make it harder to walk away - even when part of you knows you should.

Available now on Spotify and Apple Podcasts.