When Was the Last Time You Asked Your Mate How He Really Was?

Movember isn’t really about moustaches. It’s about the question underneath.

Every November, men across Canada grow moustaches of varying quality. Some are triumphant. Some look like a caterpillar that’s lost its way. But the ones grown for Movember have a job to do: get people talking about men’s health.

Movember began in Australia in 2003 and has since grown into a global movement supporting prostate cancer, testicular cancer and men’s mental health. The moustache is the opener. The conversation is the point.

“Fine” is doing a lot of work

Ask a man how he’s doing and there’s a good chance you’ll get “Good, you?” It’s not necessarily a lie. It’s just a reflex, the sort of answer you give without really thinking about it.

But the numbers suggest there’s often more going on behind that little word. A 2025 survey by the Canadian Men’s Health Foundation found that 67% of Canadian men had never used professional mental health support, such as counselling or psychotherapy. Half were at risk of social isolation, rising to 73% among men living alone. According to Statistics Canada, 64% of men who rarely or never felt lonely rated their mental health as excellent or very good. Among those who experienced loneliness at least sometimes, that figure dropped to 33%. Of course, friendship isn’t a magic cure for poor mental health. But those numbers make a pretty good case for paying attention to the people around us.

When being the strong one becomes a problem

For generations, boys have grown up hearing some version of the same message: don’t cry, toughen up, get on with it. Thankfully, attitudes are changing, but those old expectations haven’t disappeared. Many men still feel pressure to be the dependable one, the provider, the person who keeps a level head when everyone else is falling apart. And there’s nothing wrong with being dependable. The trouble starts when being strong becomes confused with never admitting you’re struggling.

Imagine spending most of your life being the person everyone turns to when something goes wrong. Admitting that you’re anxious, lonely or overwhelmed can feel like you’re letting people down, even when nobody has actually said that. There’s also the worry about how other people might react. Will your mates treat you differently? Will your boss question whether you can handle your job? Will someone tell you to pull yourself together?

Friendships can make it harder still. For many men, they’re built around doing things together: hockey, golf, fishing, fixing something that probably didn’t need fixing. There can be years of shared experiences and genuine affection without ever having a particularly serious conversation, and there’s nothing wrong with that. The difficulty comes when life gets complicated. A relationship ends, work becomes overwhelming, or someone’s struggling and nobody quite knows how to bring it up.

It’s a strange thing, knowing someone for twenty years, remembering every terrible haircut they’ve ever had, but not knowing whether they’re actually happy. Sometimes it’s easier to send another ridiculous meme to the group chat than ask a question that might get an uncomfortable answer, so it’s hardly surprising that some men decide it’s easier to say nothing.

Sometimes it doesn’t look like sadness

We tend to have a fairly familiar picture of someone struggling with their mental health: sad, withdrawn, perhaps a little tearful. But distress doesn’t always announce itself so clearly. For some men, depression or anxiety may show up as irritability, anger or frustration. Someone who was once patient might suddenly snap at the smallest things. A friend who never missed a game might stop turning up. Someone else might start drinking more, working longer hours or avoiding people altogether. There might be changes in sleep, appetite or energy, or recurring headaches and stomach problems that don’t seem to have an obvious explanation.

None of these automatically means someone has a mental health condition. People have bad weeks, difficult jobs and plenty of other reasons to be out of sorts. But when someone you know well starts behaving differently, it’s worth paying attention, particularly if their standard response is still “I’m fine.”

What if he doesn’t want to talk?

You’ve noticed something’s wrong. You’ve asked how he’s doing, and he’s told you he’s fine. You try again, and he changes the subject, makes a joke or tells you to stop worrying. It’s tempting to push harder, particularly when you care about someone, but feeling cornered rarely makes people more comfortable opening up.

There may be a good reason he’s reluctant. Perhaps he’s shared something personal before and regretted it. Perhaps he doesn’t want to worry anyone. Or perhaps he genuinely doesn’t know how to explain what he’s feeling. You don’t need to get the whole story over one coffee, and if he isn’t ready to talk to you, that doesn’t mean he won’t talk to someone else.

So how do you actually help?

You don’t need a perfect script or a degree in psychology. In fact, trying too hard to say the right thing can make an ordinary conversation feel rather like a job interview. A few things can help.

Notice the little things. 

Rather than asking a general “Are you okay?”, mention something you’ve noticed. “You haven’t been yourself lately” or “You seemed pretty stressed last week. How’s everything going?” It shows you’re paying attention.

Try talking while doing something else. 

Some people find difficult conversations easier when they’re walking, driving or doing something together. Sitting opposite someone and maintaining intense eye contact isn’t everyone’s idea of a relaxing afternoon.

Go first. 

Sometimes admitting you’ve had a difficult week gives someone else permission to be a little more honest. You don’t have to reveal your deepest secrets. Just something more meaningful than “All good, mate.”

Don’t rush in with solutions. 

When someone finally tells you what’s going on, it’s natural to want to fix it. But they might not need advice. They might simply need someone to listen without judging, interrupting or producing an unsolicited five-point action plan.

Ask what would help. 

You don’t have to guess. Maybe they want company. Maybe they need help finding professional support. Maybe they’d just appreciate someone taking the dog for a walk with them.

Keep showing up. 

If someone opens up, check in again, not just the next morning but a week later. If they aren’t ready to talk, don’t disappear. Invite them for coffee, send the occasional message, carry on doing the things you’ve always done together. Not every interaction needs to become a mental health check-in.

Whatever someone tells you is personal, so treat it with care. If you’re ever worried about someone’s safety, don’t wait for the right moment. Encourage them to talk to their doctor or a mental health professional straight away, and in an emergency, call 9-1-1 or 9-8-8.

It’s not just men who need to rethink the conversation

One of the more interesting things Movember is doing is looking at the other side of the therapy room. Its Men in Mind program helps mental health professionals better understand how expectations around masculinity can affect the way men ask for help, communicate and engage in therapy. Because telling men to open up is one thing. Making sure someone knows how to listen when they do is quite another.

The program, developed in Australia, is designed to help practitioners adapt their approach rather than expecting every man to arrive knowing exactly how to describe what he’s feeling. It’s an important reminder that improving men’s mental health isn’t simply about getting more men through the door. It’s also about what happens once they’re there.

To find out more about Movember, or to get involved this month, visit Movember Canada.

And closer to home, perhaps there’s a mate you haven’t checked in on for a while, or a text you’ve been meaning to answer. Now’s a good time.