Why It’s Not the Fight That Breaks You - It’s the Lack of Repair

In my therapy room, I often hear couples say things like, “If we could just stop fighting, everything would be okay.” There’s this deeply held belief that the presence of conflict signals something broken, something unlovable, something doomed.

But the truth is, all relationships rupture. All couples experience moments of disconnection, misattunement, and hurt. You can be deeply committed to each other and still miss each other in painful ways. You can love each other and still say things you regret.

What breaks relationships over time isn’t the fight itself. It’s the absence of repair.

Rupture is inevitable in any meaningful relationship. Whether it’s a sharp argument, a moment of withdrawal, or a pattern of unspoken disappointment, these moments happen. They happen because you’re human. They happen because intimacy is messy. They happen because you have two nervous systems, with different histories, triggers, and coping strategies, trying to do life together.

But what makes the difference between relationships that grow stronger and those that erode isn’t whether rupture happens - it’s what happens after.

Repair is where healing, trust, and connection are rebuilt. It’s the process of turning back toward each other after the disconnection. Of naming the hurt, taking ownership of your part, and creating a bridge back to emotional safety.

And here’s what I want every couple to hear: Repair is not about fixing everything perfectly.

It’s not about having the right words every time or solving every disagreement the first time around.

Repair is a practice. It’s a willingness to sit in the discomfort and stay open. It’s about creating enough safety inside yourself and the relationship to say, “I can see how I hurt you,” or “I want to understand how that landed for you,” even if you’re still feeling defensive or unsure.

What I see over and over in my work is that couples who build this muscle of repair are the ones who create resilient, enduring love. They know that rupture will come again - because they’re human - but they also know they can find their way back to each other. That knowledge builds security, trust, and a deeper kind of intimacy than any conflict-free fantasy ever could.

If you and your partner find yourselves stuck in ruptures without a clear path back, I want you to know you’re not broken. You may simply never have been taught the art of repair.

Most of us weren’t.

But it can be learned.

It can be practiced.

And it can change everything.

Because love isn’t defined by how perfectly you avoid rupture. It’s defined by the courage to repair.