Why Men Avoid Therapy

For a lot of men, starting therapy is a daunting thing, especially if their frame of reference for it is limited to tv shows or movies. The mental image of sitting across from a stranger-with-a-clipboard and “talking about your feelings” is enough to keep many of us from setting up that introductory call. 

And yet, men are seeking therapy now more than ever – slowly but surely it’s becoming normalized and valued for what it really is: a relational-learning tool that can help us pursue the life we want to live. 

As a male therapist, I work with a lot of men who are accessing therapy for the first time. They like the idea of trying it out with someone they imagine will understand. I listen to their experiences and hear their longstanding beliefs about the idea of opening up to a professional, including the reasons they’ve avoided it until now. And to be honest, I get it. What these men share often resonates with me too and perhaps will with you as well. 

Here are some of the reasons that keep (or kept) men from starting therapy, straight from my male clients, as well as some ways to reframe their narratives in a new light. 

Reason #1: Protecting the Protector Role 

Male Client in his 40s: “When I was twelve, my father died. I was completely lost, but soon after, people kept telling me that I needed to be the man of the house now…” 

Many men connect deeply with their role as Protector for their loved ones. They dutifully inhabit the belief that above all else, their job is to be the rock for their families - to be solid and reliable, and to protect against all the threats and dangers of an unpredictable and unsafe world.  

In protecting their Protector role, however, some men come to view their ability to protect as somehow connected directly to their ability to project a sense of strength and stability even when their inner world is in turmoil. The “strong, silent type” is still a badge of honour for many men, and unfortunately, this can often come at a cost: the mistaken belief that vulnerability equals weakness. When men believe this, any emotion that paints a different picture other than inner strength becomes a potential weak spot – something to be isolated, contained, or conquered. In other words, they exile a part of themselves in service to their responsibility as Protector. They push away the feelings they deem as weak, often then falling into harmful patterns of avoidance or distraction.  

Reframe It: If more men learned to share their difficult feelings rather than avoid them, they could start to see their vulnerabilities for what they truly are – an opportunity to recognize our struggles as a starting point for change, for inner growth. It’s not about becoming an “open book” to anyone and everyone; it’s about accepting that we all experience the full gamut of emotions at various times in our lives. True strength comes from facing our fears, not by denying their existence. When men make a connection with someone trustworthy and empathetic, they can share their vulnerabilities in a way that actually leads to the development of true inner strength and resilience. 

Reason #2: Transactional Love 

Male Client in his 30s: “My family only loves me because of what I bring to the table, what I do for them. But no matter what I do, it always feels like it’s not enough.” 

Other men I work with tell me that they believe their ability to be offered respect, acceptance, and affection from others is conditional on their ability to provide something of value. They feel judged solely on the merit of their skills, their income, their job title, or their appearance. They are driven by the idea that their output in life (what they accomplish) is the only thing that really matters at the end of the day. But what happens then when these men start to struggle with their mental health? 

Am I a good enough earner? Am I a good enough worker? Am I a good enough partner, father, or son? Am I good enough?  

When the answer to these questions comes back as a resounding “No,” men often fall hard into one of two thinking traps. They tell themselves, “Suck it up. Do better….” Or they start pulling back, shutting down and giving up on themselves in various ways. The inner thought here is “What’s the point…I can’t do any better anyways…” 

Reframe It: Instead of believing they somehow must prove their worth (and put all their effort into trying to justify it), what if we normalized that love and acceptance (both from themselves and others) is the strongest foundation from which men can aspire toward greatness, to challenge themselves to reach their goals for success? 

Fighting to prove your self-worth through external validation is like constantly throwing yourself into an unwinnable tug-of-war; it’s exhausting and defeating. What if our pursuit of greatness - to accomplish our goals and find success in our lives - was a natural extension of feeling loved, accepted and emotionally secure?  

Reason #3: Keep Calm and Carry On 

Male Client in his 20s: “Who would I tell about any of this stuff? No one cares…” 

“Suffering in silence” has long been a common description when it comes to men and mental health. It’s easy to make the mistake of assuming why: 

Men don’t know how to talk about their feelings. Men don’t operate that way. It’s not the way they’re wired. Men are too stubborn to ask for help. Their pride or ego won’t allow them to ask for help. 

These false assumptions both create and reinforce the harmful belief that men need to somehow first overcome their intrinsic nature in order to ask for help. We forget though that these beliefs are shared freely and upheld in our social structures and culture norms - they’re found in our families, intimate relationships, friendship groups, and workplaces.

The difficult reality here is that many men have learned the hard way that asking for help can sometimes lead to real consequences in the areas of life that matter the most to them. 

Reframe It: Stigma (holding harmful or negative stereotypes about a group of people) does not go away unless it’s confronted. Whenever you hear someone disparage men for being emotionally detached or unavailable, respectfully challenge them on it. Ask them to think about the men in their lives, and to reflect on how they normalize and encourage emotional expression with these men.  

The men I work with are often new to therapy. They’ve pushed it off for a long time, and it often takes some kind of breaking point or crisis in their life for them to seek help. It’s an incredible honour for me, as a male therapist, to work with these men who have found (sometimes to their own surprise) that opening up with someone can help them feel less stuck and less alone. As I mentioned above, more men than ever are doing this, which is an incredible thing because the truth is that we all share in the benefits together when any group of people seeks to improve their mental health. 

If you would like to meet James - you can contact him here