How to Spawn a Narcissist: A (Totally Tongue-In-Cheek) Guide

Guest
Oct 13
3 min read

(Warning: follow these instructions at your own moral risk. Or.... better - don’t. Read the “safer” alternatives instead.)

If you’re into creating tiny human tyrants who think the world revolves around them, congratulations - you’re one click away from parent-of-the-year material. Follow these seven foolproof steps and you’ll be raising a little legend who always needs applause, never apologizes, and believes empathy is optional.

Below each step: the real psychological idea behind it, and a kinder, smarter alternative (so you can not do this).

1) Praising Everything... Especially the Untrue Stuff

How to do it: “You’re the smartest. The cutest. The fastest. You’re perfect.” Say it daily, loudly, and with gusto. Criticism? Never. Consequence? What consequence?

What it does: Constant inflated praise teaches children to expect external validation and prevents them from learning how to tolerate failure.

Do this instead: Praise effort and strategy. “I loved how you tried different ways to solve that.” Encourage resilience - celebrate trying, not just winning.

2) Make Them the Centre of Every Conversation

How to do it: Interrupt adults, dominate family stories, and turn every holiday into a one-child parade. Teach the family script: always ask, never listen.

What it does: Models entitlement and communicates that other people’s feelings or time are less important.

Do this instead: Teach turn-taking, curiosity, and active listening. Ask them to recount someone else’s day. Model asking: “How are you feeling?” and then listen.

3) Shield Them From Consequences (Bubble-Wrap Parenting)

How to do it: Never let them face discomfort. Skip chores, fix every problem, and call the teacher to excuse them. If they fail... just rescue.

What it does: Prevents the development of responsibility, empathy, and problem-solving. Children miss out on learning the natural connection between action and consequence.

Do this instead: Let them experience appropriate consequences. Offer coaching rather than rescue: “That didn’t go well. What might you try next time?”

4) Turn Love Into a Currency (Conditional Affection 101)

How to do it: Reward only achievements. Love is earned via trophies, tests, and tidy rooms. Withhold affection when they underperform.

What it does: Teaches children that worth equals performance. This fuels perfectionism, shame, and a relentless need for external approval.

Do this instead: Make love unconditional (not permissive). “I love you even when I’m frustrated. Let’s fix this together.” Validate feelings separate from behaviour.

5) Model Narcissism Like It’s a Family Sport

How to do it: Publicly shame others, always play victim, self-promote nonstop, and never apologize. Kids are fans - they’ll imitate the star.

What it does: Kids learn relational rules by watching adults. If you perform entitlement, they will too.

Do this instead: Show humility, apologize when you mess up, and demonstrate curiosity about others. “I was wrong - I’m sorry.” That line works wonders.

6) Make Them King of Social Media (Early Influencer Program)

How to do it: Make every family moment a content moment. Teach them likes = worth; measuring love by comments is peak narcissist training.

What it does: Externalizes self-value: attention becomes the currency of identity.

Do this instead: Keep private moments private. Teach that connection matters more than performance. When sharing, model consent and talk about feelings around attention.

7) Teach Them Empathy… Through Luxury Goods

How to do it: Buy their way through conflict. If someone is hurt, get them a toy - problem solved. Avoid teaching comfort, curiosity, or listening.

What it does: Replaces relational skills (naming feelings, comforting, perspective-taking) with transactional fixes.

Do this instead: Teach emotion coaching. “You look upset - tell me about it.” Practice perspective-taking: “How do you think they felt when that happened?”

The Not-So-Funny Truth (in one run-on sentence)

Personality is a mix of temperament, biology, and environment. But the relational habits adults model and teach - boundaries, accountability, empathy - are powerful. These “how-to” steps are satire because the real stakes are real: kids learn what our relationships are for by watching us.